That Was Easy

I have an easy button. A few years back, that might have meant something different, but you know what I'm talking about, right? The red plastic button from Staples with the word "easy" on it. Push it and some fella who's probably rich off one-cent royalties and now officially a mute says, "That was easy." Three little words that sum up so much. The first time I heard it I wanted to hear it again. Right away. Several presses later my fingertips hurt, my wrist ached a little and I was tired from all that pushing. Wasn't so easy anymore, just ironic. My button was a gift. Given to me by someone who thought I made life easier for those around me. Probably not suggestive of me carrying it around to remind them, but I did it anyway for a while. I finished that report. "That was easy." I installed the new software. "That was easy." I showered. "That was easy." It sort of made me cocky after a while. Who knew all these things were so easy? It occurs to me now that other buttons could enhance my personal soundtrack. "That was stupid." "That was awesome!" and "That was close." come to mind. I would, at times, also enjoy a "Shut the F@#% Up" button, but maybe it should be encased in glass. I think what I like best about the easy button is its sheer size. I mean, it's a big button begging to be pushed. Others could learn something from its design. When you're wondering how the fuel tank door on your new car opens, no worries. It's that big fat red button in the middle of the dash that says "Gas." Cell phones could just be one big button. "Call." And then you just get whoever you get. We're always looking to make new friends. Microwaves, just toss in your hot pocket and hit "Nuke." And when you burn the roof of your mouth, just push "Help." Everybody should have a Help button (could also be labeled F1). That way if you don't know or were surprised by what a big button does, just hit Help. I mean, the big buttons would all be pretty clear, but there's always someone who proves Darwin right. I think a big button world would also allow you to make better use of your pets. No more "I don't have fingers or thumbs" excuses. Just shut the f@#% up and do my laundry, Fido. Put your big floppy paw on "Wash" and then "Dry." See, that was easy. My cat just pushed my "That was stupid" button...