Deal Me In

In keeping with the order of things, I'm due to talk about Vegas. But I want to kick this off by giving a shout out to Jessika Baier who auditioned for American Idol in Puerto Rico and may appear in the episode next week that features Rico auditions. Back when I was famous for my hometown talk show (filmed in a barn in Grass Lake), Jessika appeared as my guest several times. Randy and I sort of tracked her singing and pageant career. We followed her parade appearances. We were borderline stalkers. Now that she may be even more of a star, I'm glad to say I knew her when. She's so damn cute you will just want her to kick ass on AI. Here's hoping she does.

Meanwhile...today's hot topic: Las Vegas! I LOVE Las Vegas. People say it's a horrible place with all the sins running rampant and people losing their last quarter every second of every day, but I'm here to tell you it is an awesome place to spend 72 hours straight wide awake and $900 you do not have. I could walk up and down that strip all day taking my chances on random games of chance, perchance to dream a little dream for me. My favorite casino was imploded a while back (the one with the clownface...Boardwalk!), but that was inevitable. My other favorite (O'Shea's, hole in the wall, twice the apostrophe!) is still around. It remains the one place I have: A.) Gambled in a bathing suit (under my clothes...a challenge to pee) and B.) Had a conversation with a highly intoxicated Latino man in an all white suit. I try to get to Vegas once a year because my accountant moved there and no one does my taxes like Lea. I have followed her to the best place on earth to blow your refund. Even if you don't get a refund! Some may worry I have a little gambling issue, but please don't. I'm a responsible adult and I have the 800# memorized. At least the 800 part. If I ever have to call them it will be for insight on the best machine to play. I much prefer cards or roulette, but I have to say, some of those themed slot machines with the bonuses and the flashing and all the hoopla are quite compelling. I remember when I flew, er, played my first Top Gun machine. Wowza! All I wanted to do was get all Gooses on the payline or launch into the Top Gun bonus. The music was super loud and the seat vibrated every time there was a flyby. Then it got old and I was into machines with fish. Reel It In (sounds promising), Goldfish Bonus (fish kisses!) and Lobstermania (actually won something at the airport). When things go awry, I even have a foolproof fallback position: Hexbreaker. The worst you can do on that machine is lose $20 because it is more than likely your last $20. Surprisingly, this combination of desperation and lack of future funding lends itself to winning. I once won $10 on my last $20 using Hexbreaker and then promptly stuffed all $30 into a machine that featured a dancing cactus. The drinks were free!!! I think in my next life I would like to be a casino dealer for Let It Ride, Three Card Poker or Roulette. I've been squeezing a stress ball for years in anticipation that it could happen in this life. I can snap a marble around the toilet bowl like you wouldn't believe. I would not be like some dealers out there who are dull or grumpy or act in many ways like the House is theirs, including the budget. I would wear my shiny vest with pride and encourage people to "bet the farm," "go all in," "hit the ATM." Of course there are consequences. That's what you deal with the other 362 days a year. I'm hitting Vegas in March, staying at the Wynn (ooooooo, shi-shi but for free-free!) and my mission is the same as always which to some is the definition of insanity. But I know of no other way to try to get my millions. Even if everyone who reads this gave me $1, I'd only have $7 ($8 if my cat would get a freakin' job. You heard me.).