FREE*

My goal was to write something every day. I think I screwed that up when I gave myself topics in advance. Now I'm sweating the topics. Like I see the topic and think, why the hell did I make that a topic? What was I thinking? Then I realize I wasn't thinking anything. I was just trying to finish the blog entry for the day. So I'm pulling topics out of my ass at the time trying to come up with 100. Come on. "Free offers?" That's today's (well, yesterday's now, I think) topic and I have no idea why I put that on my list. I enjoy a good free offer, who doesn't? Now what? Okay, maybe I was thinking about the time I got one of those e-mails about a free flight on Southwest and I got suckered into answering all kinds of personal questions about which magazines I prefer and whether or not I've had hemorrhoids recently and wouldn't I be better off with a lower interest rate on my 3rd mortgage? I was just trying to get a free flight and three days later I received a skin care kit for aging people such as myself that apparently I ordered. Nay, subscribed to. Which means there would be more kits coming. Monthly, until I am young again, dammit! I also got vitamins. I look amazing. Not sure what I clicked on, maybe some flash animation of the fountain of youth (if it had a kitten splashing in it, I wouldn't resist), but it was all part of the twisted maze that led to nothing like a free plane ticket. I never made it to the end. I bailed during the 15 dvd's for a penny screen because I fell for that one in college, only it was cd's and after I got the intial order I believe I paid $5.99 a month until just last summer when I realized, hey, I haven't bought or played a CD in at least eight years. I could not escape Columbia House's clutches. A few months ago I got one of those 0% credit card offers (which sounds like free...) and I took them up on it. When the card I arrived, I cut it up and threw it out. I took the garbage out and personally handed it to the sanitary technician. I watched him crush the bag with the entire back-end of his giant smelly garbage truck. Goodbye, sucker. I will not be adding to my promotional balance. Then I went inside to sign up on-line to manage my payments. Apparently, you need the 16-digit card number to do it. When I called for help, you need the 16-digit card number to get past the opening menu. It's been four months and I finally got a human on the phone yesterday. To make matters worse, I moved after signing up for the card. In order to change my address, they have to send the form to the original account address. I was on hold for the security and fraud department when I got disconnected. 0% is not free, and it's no longer 0%. I see the word free everywhere now. Buy one get one "free!" (um, isn't that the same as 50% off?). "Free*" tacos! (*Tacos may not contain taco meat.) "Free*" skydiving lessons! (*with purchase of a plane.) The word free comes with a price, people. In the words of the facilitator at my one-day "free" seminar on PR compliments of the Chamber 15 years ago (non-members, $12), "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." That's how she introduced the session, by writing "TANSTAAFL" on the board. I play Scrabble. I play Word Twist for hours at night while everyone sleeps. I can even do Sudoko, medium to hard. I had no idea WTF "TANSTAAFL" stood for, but once she spelled it out, it planted itself in my brain. After years of exposure to billboards, t.v. ads, newspaper ads, coupons, banners, flash, e-mails and all things irresistably clickable, I have come to realize "free" is a worm I need to leave on the hook. Otherwise I will continue to receive products that enlarge things I don't have, enhance features I can live without or relieve symptoms my cat has apparently battled for years. With 20-30 e-mails a day promising me unlimited cash and life after death, I'm getting pretty solid with the Delete key. Once in a while, something like "FREE Cigarettes If You Quit Smoking Now" will raise an eyebrow, but I won't be fooled again. I'm free of "Free." Especially "Free*." The asterisk was big in the 90's. Now they don't even bother with it anymore. I guess even they know it's too good to be true.