5 More

Ah, the gym. I go because I want to lose a little weight, stay fit and live forever. It's rewarding. It is also simultaneously boring, inspiring and annoying. Where else can you get all those things? Sometimes the movies but at least you get popcorn. I'm bored at the gym because I tend to do the same thing for fear of losing ground somehow by leaving something out or trying something different. I also try to look like everybody else around me - casual, collected, I know how this machine works. When all I really want to do is grab a 15 and a 10 and start swinging my arms really fast at the same time while trying to run straight ahead on a treadmill. "Yeah, it's a new balance drill." Pretty soon I'd see the guy who looks like a Russian trapeze artist (4' 11", fire hydrant frame, negative body fat, zero personality) grab a 30 and a 25 and give it a whirl. He'd end up in the parking lot, a little to the left. I see the same faces every day, and that sounds boring, but it's inspiring because I feel a camaraderie with these strangers you can't get on, say, the subway. Maybe at Subway (eat fresh!). We're all pushing ourselves to be better or at least stay the same in a good way. When I see thin black man with headband and iPod strain through his umpteenth set of crazy upside down leg presses, I think, man that guy could kick over a bus. And I wonder a little if he's training for that. I see older guy with silver hair and silver glasses and same blue t-shirt doing lat pull downs in his borderline short shorts and pray he doesn't do inner thighs next. I see impossibly cut mid-30's lady teeth-clenching her way through chin-ups in tandem with her 20-something guy friend and I imagine the date is going well. I hope they grab a Mich Ultra after. I see the same trainers there every night with their plebes, escorting them from machine to machine, doling out seemingly impossible assignments like "5 more" and "5 more" oh, and "5 more." And I sympathize with the newbies cuz I was there once. I thought 5 more would kill me, but now I find myself saying it. Which brings me to the annoying part. Sometimes I get on my own nerves at the gym with all the self talk and push push push. Who do I think I am? Do I know who I'm talkin' to? Getting annoyed with myself makes me more susceptible to others' annoyances. Like super tall thin lady who lays claim to a machine she may or may not want to use by laying down in front of it and doing some other exercises for a while. She claims entire rows of lockers in similar fashion while changing, even though she doesn't trust the lockerroom to secure her bag. She carries it with her, presumably to mark in advance certain machines she would like to prevent others from using. Her workout is enriched, I believe, by sabotaging the success of others. If you can't get any thinner, fatten up those around you. I found lanky, uncoordinated, dark-haired bearded douchebag equally annoying (didn't think it was possible) yesterday when he practically peed on the sit-up bench to own it for the next 17 minutes. How do you tolerate the sit-up bench for any longer than 2 minutes? I've never seen anyone prep for sit-ups like this guy. He all but prayed to Allah and smoked a joint before finally wrapping his furry calves around the supports and executing the worst six sit-ups I've ever seen in my life. So yeah, I get a little annoyed when I'm on a mission that is derailed by superiority or ignorance, but fortunately my gym is low on both. For the most part, it's me and my strange friends exchanging social graces ("You using this?" "I got another set." "That's my towel.") as we dance through another night of keeping our bodies in check. I think I'll stick it out.