Many Happy Returns

Holy crap I feel like I'm late for my own party every time I write in this thing. Clearly I need an attitude adjustment or a writing fairy (I've met a few) or maybe just a small set of elves to get 'er done. I never thought of myself as needing a support system that extended much beyond a fifth of a fifth, but I could be due. It's been four days and I have thought of nothing but "topic #11. Life as a comedian" the entire time. I included that subject in my top 100 in spite of my recent retirement. I am a retired comedian. I comedied for a while, but now I'm on a break. Resting. At peace, actually. Comedic work is not hard physically but it's probably the closest I'll ever get to brain surgery. Let's face it, picking your own brain, brainstorming, picking someone else's brain, brain farting, straining your brain, wanting to blow your brains out, feeling like you only have a half a brain....what I'm saying is the word brain appears in all of those things just like brain surgery. So they're similar. The biggest question on everyone's brain is why did I quit? I get that a lot. It's been 32 days. And I didn't really quit, per se. I'm on a break. Ever get tired of hearing your own voice? It's kind of like that. And it's not like I can just go up there and not talk. It sort of goes with the territory. I've considered becoming a mime. Actions speak louder than words. A few of my gigs featured microphones that didn't really work anyway. Lip syncing also crossed my mind. Maybe just play one of my old sets and mouth the word f for a while. It's not that I don't enjoy stand-up, I really do. I like the show part. I like the minutes on stage. It's the before and after that I think maybe aren't so much for me. The before is a lot of worrying about which jokes to do and whether or not I'll remember them which leads to drinking one too many drinks or not enough drinks or not the right drink and that's usually just the Tuesday before a Saturday show. By the time the show rolls around, I have several possible sets in mind and absolutely no idea what I'm going to do until the light comes on and someone mispronounces by name. Being an Earth Monkey (oh, the revealing Chinese Zodiac), I favor a solid game plan but apparently the feces hits the fan when I get the go sign. Between you me and the elves, I am funny. But I am not prepared to be funny. That is where stand-up and I digress and I take the road where my shoe gets stuck in mud. Stand-up takes the well-traveled one because that works for stand-up. I prefer to act prepared and then not be. I like what happens when that works, but it's a tad painful when it fails. People don't necessarily get me. I know this because they tell me so after the show. They tell me in small, polite ways but the message might as well be a drag queen in heat.

Drunk girl: "You were funny. I like your jacket."
Me: "Oh, thanks. Thanks for coming to the show."
Drunk girl: "Where'd you get that jacket?"
Me: "I don't know...Kohl's?
Drunk girl: "Ugh. I hate Kohl's!"
(goes to bathroom and pukes)

Mom-like lady, tight smile: "Good show."
Her husband: "You know what you should do?"
Me: "Thanks...what?"
Husband: "You should talk to my brother, Joey."
Me: "Oh?"
Husband: "He's always doing funny stuff. He sends me jokes on the internet."
Me: "Yeah, those are usually good."
Lady: "Better than what we heard tonight."
(walks over to headliner and gushes like a geyser about how great the show was)

Drunk guy: "You look like you need a drink."
Me: "I'm driving."
Drunk guy: "Me, too! Hahahahahahahahahaha! You can use that if you want."

For every sorta sucky show I've had many, many really awesome and fun shows, so I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here. I'm gonna be back, no question. Just looking for a fresh perspective. Re-evaluating my work. Testing myself in other ways. De-toxing. Re-frying. Coming out better on the other side. And I'll have Pheonix on-line to thank for my degree in brain surgery. It only takes six weeks, just like truck-driving school, the bartending academy and coincidentally, stand-up comedy certification.