Buy A Bear

Polar bears are my least favorite bear. In fact, they're not even in my top ten. Look:

1. Pooh Bear
2. Grizzlies
3. Brown bear
4. Slim-a-bear
5. Teddy bear
6. Koala bear
7. Panda bear
8. Baby Bear
9. Mama Bear
10. Papa Bear

I know I should be more sensitive to polar bears considering we as gas guzzling humans are encroaching on their digs with our global warming and Aquanet punctured ozone layer, but I just don't like the looks of them. I find them untidy. Disheveled. A little like bad teeth. They have the potential to be white as the driven snow; instead they have a tendency to appear nicotine-stained or like they just crashed into a Venti house blend. Where are they finding the dirt? Every picture I see them in they are surrounded by endless spans of nothing but powder or trapped on a random floating slab of ice in the middle of deep blue water. What is yellow there? Is it in the air? Is that what we're doing? Not just global warming but polar bear yellowing? Or are they just out there pissin' themselves all day long? I know there's talk of reduced numbers for the polar bears, but I was assured by a guy on a train in Norway that that is bullshit. Not sure of the Norwegian word for bullshit, but it doesn't matter cuz he was from Vegas. If anything, there are more polar bears now. He said up from 13,000 to 26,000 in the last 15 years. He was totally confident so I assume he's been counting. If that's the case, then why is everyone so torn up about these beasts? I hear I could buy one to help out. I could own a polar bear. For $7 a month I can get a picture and a certificate and the warm feeling inside that I am making a difference. Like Somporn. Somporn was a little fella from Ethiopia or Uganda or one of those Sally Struthers' studio scenes that my mother supported via the mail for at least 18 years. For all I know, she's still sending him a little here and there. We don't get the crayon drawings anymore so I figure he's moved on, but we did have a cute picture on the bulletin board by the phone and I think she got a calendar from him once. I doubt my polar bear would have nearly as interesting a name as Somporn, but I should think for my contribution I would have a say in naming him anyway. It's not like polar bears go around naming each other. I imagine their vocabularies are somewhat limited by the bleakness of their surroundings. "Congratulations. You are sponsoring a bear named...Polar." One look at the picture and I'm calling him Nicorette.