Armed and Practical

I love crafts. It's taken me three days to sort it out, but it's true, I do. I'm great at starting projects, lousy at finishing them, but I have tremendous enthusiasm for the opening credits. I love going to Michael's and dreaming up the possibilities. All those pictures I have laying around in various drawers, shoe boxes, old wallets, dusty albums, between the pages of books I have yet to finish, in the box that was once the console of my now-totaled car....I could scrapbook that shit! I could get some of those cool paper backgrounds and those fancy cutters that make different shapes and funny stickers of talk bubbles and flowers and hearts and kittens and all that jazz (oooo, musical notes for my band camp page!!!) and I could organize it and decorate it and shape it all into a big book about me. And bring it out at parties. Hell, carry it with me. After all that work, every bastard I know is gonna have a look. Why haven't I done it yet? I've come to the conclusion that while I do love crafts, if I can't use a glue gun, I'm not interested. I feel the same way about painting and installing new trim. I only do this because I am obsessed with caulk. If there's an opportunity to caulk, I will do all the other crap that leads up to it so that in the end, I am waving a gun around and filling ugly cracks with clean white lines. Secretly, I believe it is to keep whatever's in the walls or behind the trim in there (bugs, giant flying spiders, etc.), but it's also cosmetic. Like eyeliner. Everything looks better with a good bead of caulk. If I could apply my eyeliner with a caulk gun, I would. I would snip 1/16" off the tip of a fresh tube of Lancome's finest and zip zip, lookin' good! I love to glue gun like I love to caulk. Be glad I don't own a real weapon (other than Wii-issued pistol, shotgun and AK-47 to shoot chickens), because I would probably create a project in order to use it. When I'm faced with a chance to be crafty, my first thought is does it involve a glue gun. I don't care if it's low temp or hi temp, mini sticks, big sticks, short cord, extension cord, with or without the little metal support bracket that sometimes breaks off the nose...if I can plug in a hot glue gun and within the first 30 seconds of using it burn my finger tips and get hot glue stuck on my upper lip, I am in. I feel so alive! Last night after I finished caulking the new trim in the bathroom, I got on the ladder to install the new register for the ceiling vent and it had no holes and no screws. I immediately wondered if I could hot glue that bitch? And that's when it hit me. I don't know where my glue gun is. I'm not sure it's in this state. I have a sinking feeling it's back in Michigan. Which is...great news!! I get to buy a new one. Ah, Michael's, here I come. I'm thinking hi temp, giant sticks, any color but teal, maybe a holster... glue lots and carry big sticks, my friends. Together, we can keep things from falling to pieces.