Romance and Elephants

I just ordered pizza so I have 30 minutes to write this. That's a lot of time actually, for someone as empty-headed as me. I will spend most of that time hypothesizing about what to write. I got hooked on TLC's Moving Up this morning. I could write about that. Couples move out of one house and into another and then they go back after a few months to see how their house has been changed by the new owners. Grown men burst into tears over brick fireplaces and handcrafted kitchen cabinets gone the way of the dumpster. It's really quite touching. And in case you're wondering how to bring a little romance to the boo-dwa (I sound out words I can't spell. I should just be normal and say bedroom.), simply install a dimmer switch. That's what one thoughtful lesbian did, and the chemistry between those two was palpable. Well, they both had the same haircut anyway. I also witnessed something on CBS Sunday Morning I thought I'd never live to see. Elephant polo. Apparently it's all the rage in Nepal, so much so that we sent our New York team over to beat the kilts off the Scots in what proved to be the slowest potentially fast-paced game I have ever seen. I mean, you think the elephants are gonna stampede as soon as the whistle blows, but then you realize, oh yeah, they weigh 54 tons. It takes FOREVER to get from one end of the field to the other, what with them grabbing each other's tails and all. I wanted more scoring. It was like watching day one folks from The Biggest Loser play soccer. Believe it or not, the King of Argyle (or some neighboring region, country or planet I can't spell) actually practices for each match by climbing atop a small elephant on his mantel and swinging the 12 foot stick at a ball placed on the floor by his butler. A full swing. In the house. My mother would kill me. He hit it pretty good. I shouldn't sell it short. It takes a fair amount of skill to sit atop an animal of that mass and unpredictability, then maneuver a very long stick at a very small ball in the middle of nowhere. And the Scots did it in skirts. I'm thinking this spring I will start a Smart Car polo league. Should move a little faster and we can do it in virtually any parking lot or roller rink. I'm going to start whittling my stick now. I think they're done with the Christmas tree downtown. It did not take me 30 minutes to write this, but I have to get my plate and mix a cocktail...