Take the Stairs

I need more motivation to stay in shape. Going to the gym is great and all, but it can get dull. I think when the sun finally shines and it gets above freezing, it’s more interesting to venture outside to work out. If you’re like me, you can work in your workout when you’re doing other things. Running errands, shopping, buying cheese. I’m a firm believer in taking the stairs. Park on the top floor; pretend the elevator’s broken. Whenever possible, avoid the escalator – go up the middle and take the stationary set. Or here’s a concept: keep moving on the escalator. Just because the stairs are in motion doesn’t mean they’re not stairs anymore. You could still step up. By the way, if you are going to stop and stand on the escalator, please get to the far right so the rest of us can get by. And if you are a couple in love, follow this rule by stacking yourselves one in front of the other instead of standing hand in hand side by side on one whole stair. I don’t want to get smooched when I bust up the middle. There are lots of ways to burn calories outside the gym, you just have to put yourself in situations that make you move. Park far away. Imagine your world without drive thrus. Buy heavier stuff. The other day it was very windy and I asked Meg if we were burning more calories walking in the wind. She said yes. See? Don’t sit inside and wait for things to calm down out there – take advantage of it. Especially if you are a runner. I wish I was a runner. Like an outdoorsy runner that puts on the special pants and has glow in the dark shoes and good form. I can’t run just for the sake of running. I need a reason. Like maybe I’m on fire. And even then I don’t have to run far cuz I also have to stop drop and roll. When I go to the gym I get on the steppers and the climbers and the elliptical because I like the robo cop feel. I like the motion of running but not the impact. I am a horrible runner. I wheeze. I bitch. My knees protest. And the whole time I’m thinking why, why, why. Every step is punctuated with why, why, why. Where am I going? When will it end? Probably there should be more air. I know why people say running will prolong your life. It actually takes an eternity to run one minute. When I go outside to exercise, I’ll jump up on a cement wall and walk it like a tight rope. I’ll do step ups on a park bench. I’ll chin up a tree branch. I might even climb a tall fence. But if I gotta run… I need something chasing me. Like a big brown Grizzly. Or a giant flying spider. Or someone with a spoonful of peas. Otherwise, why? With running, incentives don’t work. Even if it’s pizza on a stick instead of a carrot, I’m not falling for it. I am more likely to run from something than toward it. That’s why I think those treadmills at the gym would be a lot more effective for people like me if they were longer and you could fit a monster on it just behind you. There should be a toggle switch on the panel – Monster/No Monster. “You need a monster today, Ms. Fracker?” “Mike, I need a monster every day.” Flip the switch and run like hell. Sigh. I think I'd rather just take the stairs.