Write Stuff

I wonder if we should stop telling kids they can be anything they want to be. It's a nice sentiment, but 40 years later I am still not a novelist. I am everything but a novelist. Except I'm not a very good swimmer, I can't fly a helicopter and the officer who pulled me over did not fully understand my objective of someday breaking the sound barrier as my 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Gusky confirmed I one day would. On the flip side, I can build a website, I know a lot about golf and I make a mean cheese tray. Oddly, none of those things came up when I was in kindergarten. All fantasies aside, I have always wanted to be a writer. It's the one constant in a long list of professions I once aspired to and a host of others I actually engaged in. If I dreamt of being an astronaut, I was writing in space. If I imagined myself playing major league baseball (not just during the war), I was revealing my secret life of 'roids and whiskey in a stirring autobiography. If I ever made it into the ballet, well, hilarity ensues when I put pen to paper in a tell-all about how I duped the folks at the International School of Ballet (or "bal - lay" as I pronounce it per Billy Elliot). To finally write a book of consequence would be the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to get something organized, lengthy and complete on paper. In 5th grade, I showed signs of actually getting the job done when I penned (literally) "Rescue from Devil Shark Island." It was pages and pages and pages of my handwriting in blue ink. I illustrated the cover myself. I think it was about getting rescued from Devil Shark Island. At age 10, living in south central lower Michigan, you can imagine how many shark attacks I had endured. I lived in constant fear of shark attacks. I avoided the lakes. I skimmed the pool profusely before entering, always mindful of the deep end. I checked the filter often. I was fascinated by the everpresent possiblity that I could actually be attacked and eaten alive by a shark. As a kid, I poured my heart out about it in one of my best works of fiction to date. Since then, I have written an awful lot of crap about stuff I don't know and mildly gotten away with it. What I haven't done is written much about what I've actually done. "Write what you know" is what they always say to writers struggling with that first novel. Did I mention I wanted this to be a lengthy book? It would be a little less than stellar to put what I know in a book. I know how to change a tire. I know how to make a sandwich. I know how to mix a cocktail. I know how to play softball. I know when I have "my days" (as my Oma used to call that time of the month) I will cry at some point during SportsCenter. I know how to run a golf tournament. I know how to use Word and Excel and Powerpoint. I know how to edit videos. I know how to tell time. I am a good texter. The jobs I've actually held reveal little more about what I know: newspaper carrier, pizza delivery person, teacher, coach, training video producer, director of communications and training, graphic designer, web designer, I.T. manager, dancer (still paying attention?!), entrepreneur, average speller, stand-up comedian, tournament director. In recent years, I would say the bulk of my written work can be found in e-mails littered across cyberspace. I've posted content to a number of websites. My thoughts are trapped in a few cell phones here and there, some discarded for the next best thing in technology. But there's no cohesion. There's no focus. There's no plot. There might be some characters, but what are they doing? How do I write a book about a gal growing up in the midwest who has a nice family and likes volleyball? One time, in college, she delivered pizzas. Now she is a webmaster. The end. BOR-ing. I think if they're gonna tell you from day one you can be anything you wanna be (or all you can be and then some), they should also can the "write what you know" shit. The two don't jive. My new advice to myself so I can finally be a novelist is: be what you are and write what you wanna be. You can use it, too.