My Lips are Sealed

I'm trying to remember the last time I wore lipstick. For the record, I haven't abandoned it altogether and I do look forward to my late 70's when I can slather it on and not really get all caught up in accuracy. I like make-up. I like eyeliner and mascara and a little dot of cover-up here and there and maybe even a dash of powder on my nose. I don't do blush anymore, which is actually a good thing because I'm not really sure I ever got that right. I studied pictures of Sheena Easton and Pat Benatar, even those girls from Heart, and I just could not get my results to match. It always looked to me like my face was on fire or that an embarrassing moment had struck me in all the wrong places. The giant blush brush was sort of fun, but hard to control. Basically the whole side of my face got hit and then there'd be a mad dash with a washcloth for corrections. I was trained by my mom and sister. They did try to help. Cheek, cheek, forehead, chin, a little on the nose. I was more like cheek, ear, fumble the brush, bangs, other cheek, too much nose, why chin, I've got a game, can we order pizza afterward? I don't know why everyone wants cheeks so rosey anyway. I've discovered shoving your face in the freezer for a few seconds can get you there in a pinch. You can also get there with a pinch. Lipstick is supposed to bring even more color to your face. I find it attracts too much attention. Case in point: my confirmation ceremony in 8th grade. Never mind I just got new glasses, still had braces and was wearing a powder blue t-shirt that matched a lengthy Little House on the Prairie skirt. My hair was out to here and my boobs were not. Such a pretty girl...let's get some color on those lips. That'll help. The only part about wearing lipstick I ever enjoyed was the part where you clamp your lips down on a tissue or toilet paper or a notecard. You smear the lipstick on, then you scale back on your initial commitment with a few smacks. I did a lot of smacking and then I would just wipe it all off with the tissue and be totally satisfied that my lips looked redder. I guess I'm more of a lip "tinter." This is much better if you think about crime scenes. No one's ever gonna find me because I left traces of a Lancome gift with purchase sample from Elder Beerman in Jackson, MI circa 1997 on a half empty wine glass or on a few cigarette butts outside a window... I don't wear it much anymore because I think it would be weird to all of a sudden start up again. People would notice. I suspect even strangers would raise an eyebrow. I'd walk into the post office and I think the woman behind the counter would think I was making fun of her. I'd feel sort of clown-y. Plus I hate the taste and how after a couple of hours it's sort of crumbly on your lips. It's like glue-sticking what's in the crayon sharpener to your mouth. When it gets like that, you have to re-apply. Which would mean I'd need a mirror. And a tissue or a piece of paper or a junk mail envelope. And someone to tell me it looks good. Women who can re-apply without a mirror and simply fold in their lips and pop them out again amaze me. They're all set. They can even answer a cell phone and push the baby at the same time they're doing it. I would be covered in red. It's just not my style. I'm more of a chapstick person. I can put it on without a mirror (well, not cherry) and probably while parallel parking. Plus, if you put chapstick on a pig, it's still a pig, but it's not worried about looking like a ho...